Time to Assess the Relationship?

My BoundariesTime to Assess the Relationship?
In my book Expanding into Love, I make the point that in the first half of our incarnation, prior to our awakening at about mid-life, the purpose of relationship is to create opportunities to feel the pain of separation, that being the very thing we came in to experience.
We wanted that so we could learn that separation is an illusion, and that in reality there is only Love and Oneness. The purpose of relationships in this first phase, therefore, is about experiencing ways of feeling separate and alone.
Of course, that’s not the image we are told to expect from being in relationship. We are told it will make us whole, and we will live happily ever after. It’s a lie, of course.
That’s OK though. We have to play the separation game without any awareness of the real reason for the difficulties, otherwise we would get no value from them.
Relationships in that phase, then, tend to be about domination, control, demand, and expectation. This leads to things like infidelity, betrayal, abandonment etc., all good ways to experience the pain of separation.
Once we begin to awaken, however, the purpose of relationship shifts dramatically. It now becomes about healing the separation, forgiving the past and practicing coming together as equals, allowing freedom, giving respect and seeing the other as perfect the way they are, demanding nothing and being free of expectation.
We call this the Expanding into Love Phase, because it is about increasing our CAPACITY to love, which means being able to accept people as they are and seeing the divinity in them no matter what.
Obviously, this is not an easy transition to make. Old habits die hard. It is even more difficult if one partner is not awake and sees no need to make the shift.  
This is not necessarily a reason to leave the marriage, however. In fact, it may offer a great opportunity to learn unconditional acceptance.
A lot of people have a tendency at this time to jump ship too early and miss the growth opportunities inherent in the process of making this shift with the person you know best.
That said, no matter how the relationship looks now that awakening has occurred, whether it has happened for both of you or not, it is time to make a realistic assessment of the relationship, and to begin a process of re-negotiating it based on an agreed set of values, boundaries and requests.
Only then will you be in a position to decide if it is worth going on with it or not.
eil onlineP.S. If this article really resonates with you, check out our brand new Expanding in Love Online Program, it’s an invaluable aid to the process of re-evaluating and re-negotiating your primary partnership.

4 thoughts on “Time to Assess the Relationship?

  1. Srilatha

    Hello Colin, this is a wonderful blog, thank you for writing it. I read your blogs and sometimes I feel like replying to them or asking a query, but I get distracted and then forget about it. However, as I read this blog I felt compelled to write. I haven’t read your book “Expanding into Love,” but I’m sure it’s a treasure to read. If we theoretically know divine presence in all and the oneness of the universe, but are not able to be with it at experiential level or accept the past as it is or forgive the past, do we need to do self forgiveness for that. If we do self forgiveness for this case, then would the guilt be appropriate or inappropriate?

    Thanks 🙂

    1. Colin

      No forgiveness is required, self or otherwise. We all fall short in this regard – we are not yet open enough to be there, at least not for long. We just need to love ourselves for not feeling it and needing to ‘fake-it-til-we-make-it’ by doing the worksheet. We are heard on the other side when we do.

      1. Srilatha

        Thank you very much for your kind reply Colin. I just felt like a fog has been lifted from some part of my being/mind, not sure but felt something like that. Thanks again 🙂

  2. linda howell

    Interesting ideas but my relationship is over and not only does my ex partner not communicate he is also demonstrating spiteful and vindictive behaviours.
    I am having a really hard time finding any growth or forgiveness in the situation.
    Someone suggested he is passive aggressive and it would seem to fit. I can see he may have his own emotional pain but how can I move on if he is still trapping me.

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