Every relationship, no matter how good or bad it seems, is a soul-to-soul transaction, the purpose of which is to facilitate healing, learning and growth for each other. (It has nothing to do with “living happily ever after.”) Therefore, as soon as we come into relationship, no matter whether the relationship lasts two minutes or twenty years, we are soul mates for each other.
But how do we gauge how long to stay in the relationship and when is it time to move on? The debate comes down to this: has the relationship achieved its original purpose and run its course, or might there still be more good growth opportunities to be had from staying with it?
In the 1960’s when divorce started to become more acceptable, Susan Gettleman and Janet Markowitz wrote a book called, The Courage to Divorce. It gave people ‘permission’ to make that choice if that’s what they wanted.
The effect of this relaxing of the rules of engagement, so to speak, has been that people tend now to jump out of a marriage very quickly when things get a little difficult and, consequently, miss the opportunity to grow through the pain. Instead of using the relationship to grow, and eventually awaken, they avoid the pain and then have to find someone else with whom to finish off the process. That’s not to say this is wrong (there are no accidents or mistakes), but it does seem to cry out for another book entitled, The Courage NOT to Divorce. Such a book would speak to the above dilemma and would at least suggest that people should ask themselves that question.
But, to be honest, the way the question is framed makes it unanswerable. How could we know what Spirit has in store for us in this relationship in the future? And how would we know what would follow if we left? We just don’t know. But as we have indicated, one of the advantages of being awake and being in alignment with the new paradigm is that we don’t have to know these things. Trying to figure it out is a waste of time. If we trust and surrender to the process and stay alive to our guidance from our Spiritual Intelligence, we will be shown what to do. And if we seem to make a mistake, that will be perfect too.
Having the spiritual awareness of how our current relationship might give us the opportunity to expand in Love in a way that would raise our consciousness, we might think twice before we abandon it. If we left and had to start all over again, the awakening could take a lot longer. After all, it is very unwise to begin a new relationship within a year or two of leaving the last one since you are likely to take a lot of the old energy of the last one into the new one. And that would add a lot of confusion.
The real answer, then, to this dilemma is simple. Stop trying to figure it out. Exercise trust and surrender by doing the worksheets. Your Spiritual Intelligence will take care of the details. When you do the work and find that kind of calm space, I can assure you, clarity about what to do next will come to you.
Using a therapist can help, but please avoid any that are still using the medical model embedded in the old paradigm. Use a Tipping Coach who is trained in Radical Forgiveness Therapy. To find one, click here.
When you have reached a place of peace through doing this process and have decided that you wish to continue with the relationship and have the intention to use it as a way to expand in Love, you can now begin to begin to converse with your partner about how this can be achieved.
Of course, it would be nice to have someone as a partner who is of the same mind as you, but it would not necessarily cause you to expand in Love. Someone who ridicules your way of thinking or attacks your beliefs offers a much more challenging proposition than someone who agrees with you. It would force you to expand in Love in order to come to a place of unconditional acceptance of him or her, no matter how strong the attack and how different his or her belief system may be. The way to cope with this scenario and get the best out of it, is to do a Radical Acceptance Worksheet and then continue working on yourself, while recognizing that no matter where your partner is in terms of consciousness, he/she is exactly where he/she is meant to be. And so are you.
None of what I have said up to now precludes you from leaving the relationship if that seems the sensible thing to do. No one is suggesting you stay in the relationship if it is abusive, toxic or in any other way intolerable. Since this work is all about energy, which is not subject to the limitations of time and space, there is nothing of this work that can’t be done while at a distance. So, if the conditions are such that to maintain your physical presence in the relationship is simply too much to bear and you feel you need to separate from your partner, be assured that the power of doing the work is not in any way diminished.
Whether you separate or stay together, your relationship remains a soul-to-soul transaction, and an opportunity to expand in Love.
PS. Remember, this month, members of the Radical Living Association received powerful new tools to create love and build relationships. Would you like to:
- Discover new ways to assess and improve your relationship with the Relationship Assessment Questionnaire
- Bridge a painful gap in your relationship with Radical Reconciliation
- Get a new relationship off to a well-grounded start with I Am Ready for a New Committed Relationship
- Bring clarity and liberation into your relationship with the “Boundaries” Worksheet
If so, bring these transformations and more into your life by joining the Radical Living Association.