Handling a Break-Up

Couples break up for many reasons and in these days of serial marriages a very high proportion of marriage fail. My goal in this piece is to help you to see the process of breaking up as another opportunity to expand in Love. This seems completely counter-intuitive, of course, because we are used to seeing divorces become bitterly contested fights over children, property and all sorts of other things with both partners at each other’s throats.

If you are lucky enough to have a partner who is willing to work out an amicable settlement, use a good mediator rather than lawyers, especially if there are issues that will survive the divorce like child visitation rights, property rights and so on.  Lawyers aren’t interested in reconciliation.  Their aim is to create division, the object being for one person to destroy the other.  However, if your partner wants to make a fight over it and insists on using a lawyer, then you don’t have much option but to do what you have to do.  But again I say you can use the whole process to expand in Love.  Here’s how:

Preferably, well before legal proceedings begin, and if you haven’t already done so, begin doing the work to let go of any blame you may be holding towards yourself, your partner and any other person who might be involved in the breakup by doing the Radical Forgiveness work on the people you feel are responsible for it.

Write up as many Radical Forgiveness Worksheets as necessary until the pain subsides, as well as some Radical Self-forgiveness Worksheets if you blame yourself for some aspects of the breakup.  Use the 13 Steps audio processes as well in between.  Doing this will have the effect of keeping your vibration high and all the while expanding in Love.

There is an online program you might also use to keep expanding into Love even while you release your anger or other emotions.  It is called Moving Forward – 21 Day Online Program for Forgiving Your Partner(s).   The active part of the program puts you through an extended Radical Forgiveness program for 21 days. Each day, for those three weeks, you receive an e-mail and a task to do that will continue to move you into a place of forgiveness for your soon-to-be-ex-partner.

Hiring a Radical Living Coach  might also be a good idea if you find you still feel in need of support to help you through the process.

As the process of separating and, finally, the divorce gets under way, your challenge will be to maintain the higher Love vibration when everyone else is lowering theirs.  That means doing your best at all times to see the perfection in every situation and refusing to participate in the (energetic) attack and defense game that typically plays out.

I make the distinction here between the energetic attack/defense game, which is played at the spiritual level, and the necessary cut and thrust you might need to play at the human level to get an even settlement that works for you as well as your partner.  I am not advocating a passive stance when it comes to negotiating how things will be settled between you.  But you can be tough and be willing to stand up for what you think is right (as opposed to trying to get everything you can and to hell with your partner, which is the way lawyers try to make you think), while at the same time maintaining a high vibration.

This is achieved by operating out of two parts of your mind at the same time.  With your rational, mental and emotional intelligence, you stay present to what is happening and aware of how things are proceeding, taking care to protect your interests.   At the same time, however, you stay connected to your Spiritual Intelligence, which enables you to observe what is happening from the perspective of the bigger spiritual picture.

Keeping this awareness while standing in your own power enables you to stay in the Love vibration no matter what. This is not easy, especially if you are new to this, but you will be able to do it if you use the tools.  Keep doing the Radical Acceptance Worksheets and the Radical Forgiveness Worksheets, and listen frequently to the 13 Steps to Radical Forgiveness.

Not only will this keep you expanding in Love, the effect it will have on how things unfold will be quite amazing.  Your partner will become more accommodating. His/her lawyer will become more reasonable and less confrontational. The judge will be more sympathetic to the issues. Yours and your partner’s family will be more supportive.  Problems that seemed insurmountable will be taken care of and will seem to solve themselves automatically and the eventual outcome settlement will be a win/win for both parties.

This is explained already in terms of Sheldrake’s morphogenetic field in which one person’s energy can affect the whole field in quite dramatic ways, especially if that energy is Love.  There is no stronger energy than Love so its effect on the ‘field’ is very powerful.  The tools connect us directly to our Spiritual Intelligence, which In turn aligns us with Universal Intelligence (Spirit). The details get taken care of, and everything begins to work out.  It’s that simple.

Here’s an example: Jane was a well educated, successful professional as well as a stay- at-home Mom before being sentenced to several months in jail for a string of DUIs.  Besides losing her house, her divorce settlement, her car and her reputation, she also lost custody of her two children whom she adored.  She was devastated.

When she left jail, she filed for bankruptcy and went into a residential recovery program.  But her ex-husband made sure she would not get back custody of the children.  Besides being an abusive, active alcoholic, he was a lawyer and used his knowledge and his vindictiveness to game the system against her in every way possible.

He made sure she was only able to see her children for 4 hours per week, supervised.  Those visits were conditional on her paying about $1,500 a month to cover the cost of the attorneys, psychotherapists, custody evaluators and visitation supervisors she was forced to deal with.  Her ex-husband would not pay for any of it even though he had lots of money.  She did not.

This continued for a year and a half after her release from the residential recovery program she attended after coming out of jail.   Each month, she would go to court with a long list of accomplishments and glowing references and each month there would be no change in the custody arrangement and no plan.  Her ex-husband had seen to that.  This caused her excruciating pain, outrage and fear about her future with her children she adored, and she felt nothing but hatred for him.

She came to my workshop full of rage, frustration and a lot of shame.  I allowed her to express her anger, fear and shame to the point of exhaustion and then had her do the spiritual reframe around the whole situation.

She came to the understanding that her children were not victims but, in her words, “angels of forgiveness standing by my side all along.”  She was able to see there was perfection for them in the situation and that she was never really separated from them in spirit.   She got it that, in spite of how it seemed, nothing wrong had happened and that she too had not been a victim.  Her ex-husband had not done things TO her but FOR her! With this realization, she was able to release her resentments and resistance to the whole situation.

A mediation meeting happened immediately afterwards during which her ex suddenly become very cooperative and uncharacteristically helpful.  Things moved forward quickly and easily, and all the barriers to getting custody seemed to just melt away.  All the officials suddenly became very helpful and supportive as did both families and everyone else involved.

Both she and her ex began co-parenting cooperatively without any professional mediation and have continued to do so ever since.  Her relationship with her daughter is thriving in ways that would have been impossible had she held onto that resentment, fear and rage.  She is able to help the children with their Dad, in a loving way and co-parents with him and his wife without feeling any of the old resentments.  Her drinking problem disappeared altogether and, at the time of writing, she remains free of that addiction.  Life is good.

So this is how it works.  As she expanded into Love by using the technology, the Universe responded, and everything worked out.  This is why I call the workshop she attended “The Miracles Workshop.”   The results seem miraculous, but really they are not.  It’s simply the way the Universe arranges things when we ask.


PS: Ready for summer? This weekend, get 25% off the Tipping Method Weight Loss Program. Click here and use coupon code SUMMER2012. Good through midnight EST Sunday July 22.